


Confessions of a Dead Man

by thehavenofourdreams



Category: Downton Abbey
Genre: Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-20
Updated: 2015-11-20
Packaged: 2018-05-02 13:46:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5250377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thehavenofourdreams/pseuds/thehavenofourdreams
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In a moment of deep contemplation Thomas gives in to his conscious in order to consider his own life and the point of existence. </p>
<p>Everything gets too much. You feel lost, alone, hopeless, angry, pissed, closed off and yet numb. You feel everything and nothing. Nowhere to turn to, nowhere to go. It hurts but as though the pain does not exist. On a conscious level your fine but somewhere in the depth of who you really are you hurt. Something’s broken.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Confessions of a Dead Man

Everything gets too much. You feel lost, alone, hopeless, angry, pissed, closed off and yet numb. You feel everything and nothing. Nowhere to turn to, nowhere to go. It hurts but as though the pain does not exist. On a conscious level your fine but somewhere in the depth of who you really are you hurt. Something’s broken..

You’re no longer naïve and it’s a shame really. You have never been immature. An adult in a child’s body some used to say and to an extent it was true. You were not a happy child. Anyone who tried to argue would be wrong. Suicide was something you contemplated but you battled that particular thought over time and won. But you still hurt. That loneliness and self-doubt always remained within you, hidden but never forgotten fully.

Recently those thoughts have been returning. Tired all the time. Feeling alone in a large group of people you have come to realise you fucking hate. You’re best friend. Are they you’re best friend? They anger you on a deep level that you’re too scared to voice. They barely talk to you any more and that hurts. The letters have almost come to a complete standstill. Maybe if you say something they’ll leave you completely and you’ll be on your own again. No, there’s no maybe about it. They’re fucked up like the majority of people you find yourself surrounded by. If you contradicted them and stuck by your point you’d push them away for good. 

Where does this leave you? Fucking miserable and locked in a cocoon of self-pity and hatred unable to break down the wall to tell anyone around you because you don’t trust them enough. Not only that you think they won’t care. No you know they won’t. Why would they? They’re fucked up too. And as that one person is fond of saying, they’re more fucked up than you. You feel the judgement coming off them. The feeling that you pity yourself too much and that others are going through things worse than you. So you don’t tell them your secrets any more. You’re trust has been waning in them for so long and you haven’t even realised. How had this come to past, you would have done anything for him but now you no longer care.

You have come a long way from your child hood. From a messed up kid to a depressed adult. But is it fair to say you’re depressed? You’re unhappy a lot and you’re intelligent, whether you admit this to others or not you know it and are proud of it so if anything ever threatens it you feel very insignificant.

Once you befriended someone who you thought to be amazing. They had such self confidence in themselves, intelligence and so much more. They were likeable to you and completely unafraid. You became friends and had a rocky friendship. It was intense and then one day you found out something that rocked your world. You did not realise it at the time but it shook the foundation of your beliefs. That image of everything you wanted to be was shattered when you realised the extent to their own self-hatred. They were fucked up too.

If the image of ‘perfection’ was fucked up then how could the world be okay? Nothing was as it seemed, something you had realised some time ago but not in this eye opening ground shaking way. You’re mind proceeded to unravel over the next few weeks without you realising. The tentative friendships you made seemed to withdraw and pale in comparison to those others had made. Once again you’d failed to make even second best and that feeling of inadequacy was back. How could you possibly win? Everything fell about around you like a house of cards. You could not see a way to fix everything that you’d lost when you realised you’d never had it in the first place. Everything you thought was before you was a lie and there had not been much you believed in before this momentous event knocked you off your feet again.

And now that feeling of not being worth anything has manifested itself. You’re out on your ear with nothing to show for the life you have lived. What was the point? What is the point? There’s no place in this world for you any more. Shunted and shunned. The story of your life.

So now the decisions up to you again. You’re lost. Are you prepared to find a new way or will you let everything get to be too much for you this time? Taking your own life and stopping the never ending pressures of existence. Bliss. Or just death. Perhaps you could have a fulfilling life before you. But how could you when you can’t remember ever being truly happy. You developed an eating disorder when you were ten. Perhaps it would have been better if you’d never got better. You’re worthless. Why should the world wait for you? What could you possibly offer society? Why do you deserve friends? Love? What makes you worthy? Nothing. You are judgemental and hypocritical and fake.

Maybe you should call it a day.

Or not.

Oh who knows any more.

Why does anything matter when you can no longer see a future?

You’re going to do it and damn the world.

**Author's Note:**

> Just a bit of pain after my previous work showing Thomas' feeling of acceptance. Perhaps this is how Thomas felt, or not, I've taken some liberty and invented a bit of a back story for Thomas that isn't mentioned on the show. Hopefully you enjoy it, if you do please comment and/or kudos, always appreciated x


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